abbey, a letterer & author friend of mine told me to reconcile with my urges to write. i don’t know if i can do this anymore but i will try.
it’s 1am and i’m watching over my eldest sister at the hospital, and listening to my favorite ‘sleep’ playlist so this may be a good time.
i turned twenty one 17 days back. that means i’ve been living 14 years, asleep for 7. that’s considering the typical 16 hours awake, 8 hours of sleep. but i’m thinking it may be a little different for me, losing shuteye from when i was a nocturnal at 13 up until i left high school at age 16, almost always waiting for the sun to rise every morning.
this makes me want to claim i’m only fourteen, only growing.
nowadays i’m sleeping at 4am and waking up later than i should, my head heavy with dreams that don’t make sense but feel all too real.
in one a sweet japanese boy is madly in love with me, and then on another i am in a restroom in a bar in new york talking to a strawberry blonde stranger. i can’t help but feel that these are realities that might have been, that could be somehow. only if.
and yet i am here now. i’m me in my present. and always (always, always, always, always) there’s no place and nowhere else i’d rather be.
you know the truth is, sometimes not sharing gets to me. there are many moments and feelings and lessons i’ve experienced and felt and learned along the past year i wish i had the courage to share.
i’m still a storyteller after all, and always will be, but the silence has been such a blessing.
and i’m not gonna lie. when i stepped away from the mirror, i felt freer than ever.
i feel less. in my journal poetry has been replaced by goals & lists of to dos. i used to sink into experiences, swimming through the feelings that go along with it. today i acknowledge what is and move forward. it’s liberating.
my friend aryann laces these sentiments into words quite perfectly:
silence and simplicity are the keys. as long as you create with your heart, your work will be noticed without the need to be loud about it. you will attract the right people and that is when you will realize that success and clamor do not always go together. you can change and become and inspire in silence — more doing, less proclaiming.
so to make up for it, i want to just share little pieces of writing i’ve written as a 20 year old. hoping somehow this will make up for all the time spent away.
i’m on a sunset bus headed back to home. on my lap are blue velvet cupcakes made with love by my aunt, and i read a book i’ve been trying to finish but can never seem to. i feel lightheaded. b and i aren’t good and i keep thinking, if this bus meets an accident and i die… i shake the thoughts away.
i want to hug my dad tight and feel my furry blanket wrapped tight around me tonight. i’ve got more dreams to chase, and more strangers to find friends in. after hours of crazy city traffic and a small chat with a sweet 17 year old girl sitting beside me, i am back in the room i call home.
the heat i’ve been dreading to find in manila is replaced by silent, misty raindrops.
i’m writing this while eating my favorite watermelon and chocolate hazelnut yoghurt combination topped with mangoes and double chocolate chip cookie dough. i’m supposed to be working but for over 30 minutes now all i’ve been doing is watch strangers walk on by. as some weird hobby i usually watch people from a silent corner in a mall and create made-up stories around the lives that they live. now all I do is wonder.
these are the best of moments when I realize how insignificant i am in this world. just another one of the billions dealing with whatever they’ve got, searching for that more, whatever that may be for each one of us. it feels unusual thinking these thoughts now. the past months have left me no time nor energy to do this anymore. but now i’m trying to convince myself it’s okay to rest. and rest only means i get time for myself to do, well, even more thinking.
i keep thinking of nikki ocean (her last name comes from her love for surfing) and our conversation over chat last night.
all of it is true.
it’s weird how we think we’ve got our dreams all figured out. we sometimes think we know ourselves so well and that we have dreams set in stone but we evolve with our experiences and with the new wisdom that life offers. so we have to leave enough room for the surprises within us. our vision is engrained in our hearts. and god knows more than we ever will. the key is to stay grateful and realize how it’s all a grand, exciting journey. the delays, the drawbacks, the challenges — they’re all part of the plan.
i feel peace envelop me in its warmth.
there are moments in my life where the insecurities overpower all else. i’ve never claimed to be perfect but nowadays i feel less like a naturally flawed human being, but a terrible, ugly monster.
it’s not obvious but inside i’m so anxious about everything i’m doing wrong, all the words that i wish i said better, all the things i want to do but won’t because i don’t want to be judged.
this isn’t me and i feel heavy on many days. i keep trying to make sense of my feelings, listing down my weaknesses and solutions that can be made, and trying as best i could to improve everyday. it’s always the same story. try and try as i may, i will never get it perfectly right.
i don’t like how this makes me focus too much on myself. on some badass days i shrug my shoulders and say i don’t have to please everyone. but truth be told, i do care and i do want to positively impact others instead of getting on their nerves or causing them unnecessary pain.
until i realize, what a joke – a klutz and a perfectionist in one body.
happiness rushes back when i learn to excuse myself for my own shortcomings.
a little 3 year old girl named faye is staying over at our place for two months now, and she’s our little ray of silly sunshine. only with dora hair and big eyes. she screams like a mad woman the moment i step on our front door, following me around the house and crying when i have to head back up and work and then some days she’d stay with me in my room as i struggle to finish tasks and play with her at the same time. i like this practice. and more than ever i feel in my heart that i want to be a mother.
sweet moments to keep: screaming-packed baths (because we can’t help but rejoice over cold, refreshing water), the sight of her drawing quietly with colored pencils i gave her to distract her from distracting me, blasting loud music while we dance and laugh until our bodies ache, her tight hugs and wet smooches, when she tells me she loves me and we’ll play again in the morning before she sleeps, and let’s not leave behind the times when she annoys me from her noise & nagging and i realize how difficult it is to be a mum to an innocent, playful child.
i’ve learned a new language called business. i used to despise all that i thought it meant. today i view it as an avenue to spread love and create change.
it’s been 8 months of pure love, impossibilities-turned-possiblities, a lot of crazy on the backend, learning, growing, and endlessly creating. although other loves have been kept on the sidelines and i get more late nights and belly butterflies than i normally do, this is life now.
in a month (september 28th) we launch eden & june online and i become founder, ceo & creative director to a community-centered brand & business and a leader to a small but mighty team of creative, love-fuelled souls who are bound to make manila a million times more amazing.
but i. am. so. ready.
here’s to the craziest, truest pursuit in my life yet.
i was talking to jehovah this morning, eyes shut and smiling like a crazy person. i’m talking to my best friend, crying even though i said i shouldn’t and wouldn’t, gratitude welling up in my heart until tears start falling out. i have days like this when life is so sweet (still not perfect, just as how it should be), i become so fearful of death. “please jehovah, give me more years. i want to turn these wild ideas into realities. i want to fall deeper in love, share even more love to others. i want to know what it’s like to make love, to bear and raise a child or two or five, cook better food, see & experience more of this world, find more friends in strangers and laugh and cry and scream and dance like there’s no tomorrow. please, please, please. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
it amazes me how closely intertwined my life is with living, breathing, feeling human beings. whenever i meet people, related to me in one way or another, by blood, by passion or by chance, i can’t help but be utterly grateful for the connections. not just for people who are established or share the same dreams as i do, but even more for all the people in my life who lead lives so apart from mine. i’m constantly inspired by stories all around me.
some inspo and little things i love:
• 30 days of genius – serious genius, please watch every single one.
• nonconformity and the creative life – i’ll let this speak for itself.
• invest in experiences, not things – i love this mostly because i’m so passionate about having a light, simple life. i felt a pat on the back while reading through this!
• everything is figureoutable – marie is my new fave and this talk of hers at super soul left me crying like a baby. i love her and her honesty.
• what procrastination really is and how to fight against it – this was such a cool, uplifting read. now i can’t stop thinking about my future self and how all my decisions today affect her immensely. it’s stupefying. and so, so humbling.
• a cute deleted scene from ‘one day‘ – this movie haunts me up until today and this clip doesn’t help…
• and since music fills my days, here’s a peek into my ‘twenty’ playlist, just for you. half of which are songs b and i share.
and, i’ve finally updated the about me page where i’m supposed to try to limit the 20 years i’ve been living in less then 800 words.
hoping i find more time to spend here as a twenty-one year old.
know that i love you whoever you are,