i woke up today and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. i’m being overdramatic but i did lay on my bed and cry a bit from all that frustration this morning. it can get real messy inside. i wish i can tell you about it. but these are some of the sentiments i’d rather be quiet about.
it’s starting to get real hard for me to share. i like writing here, for today because all i’d have to do is share what’s on my mind. but it’s been hard to talk about relevant, relatable things online. you know how i feel, i’m sure of it. yup, now you know i’m a human being too. so it’s true — a lot of times i want to share raw stories and insights without having to say it in a beautiful way or having to match it with a pretty photograph. i know it sounds a lot like whining and i don’t get why i’m making a big deal out of this either. i guess it just sucks not to be able to share freely, to not have the right words in the first place. or maybe i just hate how i’m forcing myself to share when i don’t even have to. so bad sometimes to the point of wanting to give up sharing altogether.
i’ll let this time pass. i’m sure i don’t really mean anything at this point.
i started to black out and move uncontrollably around noontime last sunday and i was so scared at that moment i started to cry so bad. my dad runs up the stairs to hold me. he rubs my back and cages my head with his palms, his fingers massaging my temples. all the while he is asking me questions and telling me soothing (still panicky) words to calm me down. all this in 2-3 minutes. some who hear about this will let off little laughters but it sure isn’t funny to me. i don’t want to think about it too much as of now, but if this turns out to be something, expect that i’ll be living more fiercely. either way, i win.
today i am glued to my bed from morning til nighttime. i ditch all work for anything else and concentrate on the most important — myself.
it feels so goddamn good to be selfish about my time. to concentrate on me instead of throwing all of my energy towards other people.
so all i did was write today. the best gift i can give myself. nothing amazing nor romantic, really. only real-life facts, feelings, weaknesses i need to work on. hour by hour, i felt lighter and lighter, until i felt free again. i can swear by the power of writing.
we all have our bad days, do we not? sink yourself deep into them the same way you revel in all your brighter days. they’re equally poignant. one can’t exist without the other. there are no good days without the bad.
i’ll be challenging myself this month so you won’t be seeing another today post until towards the end of the year. lots of new stories and photographs are coming your way over here. first up would be photographs from my ethereal shoot with shannice and fiona. of course i’m more excited than any of you ever will. until then, i hope you create beautiful stories of your own.
so much love, c