January 11th, 2016

January 11, 2016

jan 11th, 2016

i hold hands with my cousin kyle and think of how much longer his fingers are now compared to just last year, inseparable as we roamed around auckland in new zealand. how much sweeter, voice deeper, not so much the baby i knew then and here i am mostly still the same physically but so different inside. i feel so young and yet so old. everyday i’m feeling less and less of a child and more a grown-up. i clutch onto my youth, i don’t want to ever let go. how funny is it that I’m currently obsessed with the song ‘growing up’.

around this same time last year i knew nothing about the year ahead of me. today the months to come feel so real, so palpable, i can’t believe it actually freaks me out. as you might already know, i’m working on a big passion project while i’m currently on a hiatus from photography. the change is so refreshing. for once I don’t feel completely clueless and yet eerily i’ve never been this scared my entire life. it’s funny because i think sometimes we keep wanting and waiting for a life of concretes and certainty. i don’t know yet if this is what I want but i’m curious. if you’re reading this and you’re at a good point in your life past the mess where things are calmer, you feel more settled with yourself and your situation, the future more defined than ever, would you mind telling me how you feel? do you ever wish back to those days when the future was a bit more hazy?

days, happenings and responsibilities are hitting me hard every day, whether i planned for it or not. i’ve made big goals for this year and i’m happy to be doing well so far (ha, 11 days, i’m celebrating you!) but sometimes i still ache for those quieter days of nothingness, of not knowing how things will turn out, ready for the randomness the universe wants to throw at me (like leaving for a random trip to anywhere without hardly caring about my schedule or how that will push my work load down the road to failure) but i really am so grateful for the productivity, and that i get to to give so my of my heart on work that i feel so much love and passion for. but as all things in this world are balanced (hi dad, our favorite topic!) i’m just trying to find simplicity in this all. to breathe when I have to. to have nothing days again when I can. not to beat myself up from not being able to finish all that i had (or really just wished) to when i’ve worked as hard as i could in reality. to still focus on all the more important things at the end of the day.

i want to share some more, and i will, but right now my mom is sitting right across me at our living room and telling me stories that make me laugh. minute by minute i’m starting to feel SO guilty about being a slave to technology and not living in the present when i should be enjoying this time with the woman who brought me into this world. later, guys. i’ll keep you posted on life.

so much love, c

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