it’s that time of the year when my system comes crashing down and i am reminded my body can only take so much. i feel terrible but i know i deserve this. not the pain but really more than anything, the delicious rest. nothing days i’ve been waiting for. my doctor asks me if i’m a workaholic and i truthfully say yes but only because it’s different when you love your job. she smiles and continues writing down all the antibiotics i’ll be needing the next coming weeks.
when i am sick like this i think a lot about death. i am quite strong physically but i also know someday i would have to go and the thought sends chills down my spine. i pray and ask god, please, please, not right now. i still want to touch other people’s lives and make my heart’s imaginations come alive. i want to fall deeper into love and have little children of my own who i will share all that i am to when the right time comes. i have full faith he hears my pleas and find comfort in knowing that life will turn out exactly the way it should.
i like the feeling of caring for myself. i bathe myself using a washcloth soaked in ice-cold water and alcohol for releasing built up body heat on mornings and nighttime, drinking my medicines on time and washing my face so calmly because it’s been going through a lot, brow-wrinkling, nose-blowing and all. and for the first time in so long, i look at myself in the mirror, all raw sans any make-up or even a decent bath the past forty eight hours, and think i am beautiful. i shouldn’t let the standards of this world tell me otherwise.
writing this now, i am in by the orange-lit corner of my room, listening to folk music (sharing the playlist with you down there) and sweating from the heat. i can’t turn the air-conditioning on cause all i’d get are goosebumps. it’s 9pm and i’m feeling a lot better. i’ll be sleeping early tonight. goodnight world, goodnight you.