I’m guilty of never posting in present-time. When I write in here I feel like I’ve been miraculously granted a time machine, flying back to the past, towards moments I hardly remember without all the photographs I take and little notes I write on my journal. Who else is there to blame? Being a control freak can sometimes suck. All this time I’ve been trying to keep up with some sort of self-imposed timeline I have to maintain for this online journal. But I want this to be like a real journal to me already. Somewhere I can throw my crazy ideas, beginnings of stories I create in my head, the fiercer dreams I can hardly admit to others right when I want to.
I’m cheating a little bit here, fast forwarding to my present. I can’t help it! So here goes:
I’m up in the mountains with family I consider as my own. In the morning I drink hot chocolate, maybe we’ll head out and lounge around a coffee shop somewhere but if we don’t I color photos and write the entire afternoon. And then late at night I’m cuddled with either one of my cousins, watching movies or talking about our present situations and how we dream our lives to be if it were only up to us. But we’re so blessed. That’s how we always end it. Life could’ve been worse but it isn’t.
It’s a bit of an adventure being here. The plan was two nights, I’ve been here for 12 days now. With only one set of pajamas and six panties in my bag. How silly. I’ve been surviving only because my cousin and I share the same size. And even then I use some of my clothes more than what I’m used to. In here I’m learning a lot about contentment. Turns out, I don’t really need much in life after all. We all don’t.
Because of the storm we are all pretty much glued to our beds the entire week. I feel a kind of beautiful laziness. The kind of rest that’s still valuable. I find that talking to other people makes me feel happy. Or maybe fulfilled is the word, I don’t know, but definitely more than happy. Listening to others and reaching deep into their hearts, the outpouring of ideas and sentiments and exchanging stories and dreams, lending words of encouragement and helping others see all the beauty of living. It’s the most wonderful feeling.
My cousin Ron is a wedding photographer and so I feel a different warmth with him. I always have anyway but now it’s even more. When we talk I feel like he understands the entirety of who I am same way I understand him no matter how different we are. We may be both artists but we live very separate lives and I find that interesting. I respect his six-year photography career and how he’s established himself but when he tells me he loves my work I feel humbled. He listens to my plans for the future in awe because he can imagine it already no matter how unreal but I tell him I’m going to make all of it happen and that amazes him too. One time he tells me things can still change and surprisingly it doesn’t hurt. I never considered change as a bad thing. I know my life will turn out to be exactly the way it should. I’ll just keep working hard. And I believe the same for him. It’s all about positivity.
And then there’s Shanesse who’s practically my 4th sister, figuring her way through life after college. We mostly talk in the car on the way to town and home and when we do, the cold winds hitting our cheeks, I see the things in life I’ll never get to experience. The joy of graduating from college, the sticky process of applying for jobs, reaching out for corporate work. She’s also so different from me but I know she’ll go places because she’s strong and she’s my cousin after all. Determination runs through our blood.
The other night it’s thirty minutes past midnight but Shanesse and I are still restless. We figured watching Lovely Bones can help but it gave us terrible headaches and it’s menacing but beautiful at the same time I didn’t want it to end. I tell my cousin this is the kind of film I’d want to make in the future. You might know I’m an aspiring filmmaker. Of course I haven’t made much yet. Just a few travel and nothing films here and there. But what you don’t know is that I fill my notebook with little ideas for future films. They’re sitting patiently in there for now but in time I’ll breathe life into them and you’ll see. They’ll get into your head so bad you’ll either love it, or it’ll shake you up and leave you fazed and flustered.
We’re heading back to the city tomorrow and I’m a little bit sad. My family here is so different from my family back home, our lives and little habits so apart from each other. I miss home but I’ll miss this home too.
There’s so much more to say but I’ll leave it at this for now.
What I’m currently thinking and dreaming of: my aunt’s homemade red velvet cheesecake brownies, routines I’ll have to get used to again when I get back, Ampy’s fluffiness and how much I’ll miss our cuddling, working on having a deeper and bigger purpose for this blog (perhaps in connection to the things I’m passionate about as well – of self growth and reaching your dreams), how crazy my September will be, possibly learning how to surf soon, a beach inspired shoot I’ll be doing with lovely Aryann come October.